Monday, April 24, 2006

Santa Monica

She fills my bed with gasoline,
You think I would have noticed.
Her mind's made up,
the love is gone.
Think someone's trying to show us a sign...
that even if if we thought it would last,
the moment would pass.
My bones will break and my heart will give,
Oh it hurts to live.
*Oh I remember the day,
When you left for Santa Monica
You left me to remain with all your excuses for everything.
And I remember the time,
When you left for Santa Monica,
Yeah I rmember the day you told me "It's over"
It hurts to breathe,
Every time that your not next to me.
Her mind's made up-the girl is gone.
And now I'm forced to see.
I think I'm on my way
Oh it hurts to live today
She said "Don't you wish you were dead like me?"
*Oh I remember the day,
When you left for Santa Monica.
You left me to remain with all your excuses for everything.
And I remember the time,
When you left it all behind-
Yeah I remember the day you told me "It's over"
*"Santa Monica"-Theory of a Dead Man
I love this song. If you have time, get it! It's beautiful...though a little depressing.
Sometimes I wish I was dead...other times I wish everyone else was.
-Killjoy (December 24, 2004)

Thursday, April 20, 2006

*Missing Person

"There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain,
And like a child he would believe without a reason,
Without a trace he dissapeared into the void and,
I've been searchin' for that missing person.
He used to want to try to walk the straight and narrow,
He had a fire and he could feel it in the marrow.
It's been a long time and I haven't seen him lately but...
I've been searchin' for that missing person."

It seems no matter how hard I try that I can't seem to go back to the way I thought, believed and lived before my ex-fiance. I've searched everywhere, but I seem to have lost the trail of my missing person.

"Another question in me,
One for the powers that be,
It's got me thrown and so I
*put on my poker face*
And try to figure it out,
this undeniable doubt,
A common occurance-
*Feeling so out of place*
Gaurded and cynical now,
Can't help from wondering how,
My heart evolved into the-
*Rock beating inside of me*
So I reel,
such a stoic ordeal,
Where's that feeling that I don't feel?!"
Long since gone I tell you, though every now and then I feel a little of it. I want to hold on to it but it always slips away. Maybe someday I'll find my "missing person".
*"Missing Person" by Micheal W. Smith (if you haven't heard it, its awsome)

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

I'm the baby! Change my diaper!

You know, I wonder sometimes what women really want in a man. Do they want a guy who cares? Who takes out thier trash? Who brings them a flower when they frown to say "I'm sorry" or just to see them smile(because to them there is nothing more beautiful)? Who is willing to admit his faults and work on them and talk about the relationship's problems to make it work out?

Seriously! I wish someone could tell me and make me understand!

I have recently been called childish because I like to play my XBOX when I get frustrated or angry. I've been called childish because I brought my ex-girlfriend flowers as a way to brighten her day when she was feeling ill.

CHILDISH?! Well, if I'm such a baby, BRING ON THE HUGGIES!!!!!
Is it being childish when your pregnant girlfriend is uncomfortable and you worry about it and do everything to make her feel better?! Is it childish when you refuse to let her take her trash out at night in a bad neighborhood because you couldn't bear the thought of anything happening to her(so you do it for her)?! IS IT CHILDISH TO GO OUT AND BUY HER AND HER 2 YEAR OLD SON FOOD WHEN THEY HAVE NONE?!


You know, just for once, I'd love to get a girlfriend who accepts me for WHO I AM, not who THEY THOUGHT I that too much to ask? Noone is who you think they are at first glance.

I need a girlfriend who LIKES to wear dresses. Never had one of those...bah, who am I kidding, that type wouldn't even look at me.


I hate being single but I hate relationships even more. Used to love em. So much for getting married and having kids. GOODNIGHT!

Monday, April 17, 2006

Scared Stiff...or maybe just mildly afraid??

I came to a realization today. One that really scares me...but let me tell you the back-story first.

I came home from work today intending to do some cleaning...of what you ask? Simple: my sawed-off pistol-grip 20 gauge shotgun (or, to put it simply, the Home Defender). I went inside mi casa and proceeded to look for the shotgun cleaning/greasing kit to oil up my killer toy when my phone rang.

Alright, you might be wondering: "why would his phone ringing be so important as to merit a new paragraph??" Why, this is easy! You'll see as you continue to read.

So, I answer my phone to find that my dad is needing an old worn shirt to weld in(we are currently in the process of building a new tank...err...I mean, fence). So I take to looking for suitable attire for my father. Upon my failure to find one, I decide that the Home Defender can wait to be greased and it's about time to head back to work and do some serious cleaning.

I head out the door and lock it (as is tradition in my family). I proceed to the rear of my Blazer to replace it in it's rightful place in the back of the SUV. Now, here's where things get interesting!!!! As I reach to unlock the rear hatch I hear a scraping sound coming from under the passenger side of Lucky(my Blazer's name...) so I walk around to investigate.

LO AND BEHOLD, what do I find????? There's some punk kid under Lucky!!!! Apparently he is very hard of hearing because he didn't know I was there until I kicked him in the ribs and cocked the shotgun... Needless to say, his pants were quite wet when he pulled himself out (cursing me, I might add) to find the barrel of a shotgun (sawed-off to boot!) two inches from his face!

Now, to shorten the stroy a bit, I threatened his life should I EVER find him on my property again and let him run his pissy-jeans self out of dodge. Now, again you must be wondering: "What does this have to do with a scary realization?"
I'm getting to that, don't worry(you wonder alot don't you?).

The point of the story is: When I was holding that gun scant inches from his nose I realized: I could pull this trigger and blow off his face without remorse. I could turn his head into a canoe and look at the gore afterwards and not flinch. And had the gun been loaded(good thing it wasn't) I WOULD HAVE PULLED THE TRIGGER. Now, this scares me. ALOT. Do I have so much hatred that I could take someone's life, someone's son, someone's boyfriend, someone's brother and not care about the repurcussions?

I guess I have a lot of thinking to do...I used to know that I could not do such a Hmmm...Its sad how having your heart ripped out visciously over and over can do that to you. I didn't know I was this angry.

Goodnight folks...pray for me if you do.

Saturday, April 15, 2006


'Tis the season to go shooting,
fa'la'la'la'la la boom boom boom
Creatures pass with young men hooting,
fa'la'la'la'la la boom boom boom
Don we now our camo apparel
fa'la'la'la'la la boom boom boom
Fur a-flying, rounds a-spraying,
fa'la'la'la'la la boom boom boom
Home we go relaxed and satisfied,

Who said I have no knack for poetry and lyricism?
Hee hee hee

*To be sung by that evil little voice in your head to the tune of "Deck the Halls"

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Love Taught Me*

Even if all the days,
when I smiled alot,
should turn out,
to be nothing but a lovely dream,
that would be alright with me,
if that's all it means...

My mind's unrest,
struggling with me,
recalling the past,
who I could be...
gotta rise and be strong
gotta be tough but not lose the person I am.

Two lives I have.
One life I live,
one life I dream.
In dreams I remember,
the better in me.
Vision don't let me down,
I'm depending on you
carry me through when I see...


*Laura Bailey: Blue Gender End Theme

Long time in the coming

Sorry it's been so long folks...I haven't really been in the mood to do anything lately but kill things, or at least, shoot something and pretend I killed it. Let me give you the down low on how I have been doing lately. Warning! The following is more of the good 'ol heartbreak and pissiness.

Ok, first of all, I have not a had real girlfriend since I broke up with my ex-fiance two and a half years ago. So, I will give you a timeline of what has been on my mind lately:

February 10, 2006
Killjoy meets girl at friends house (a friend of a friend) and thinks *Hey, she's cute, sweet and has a good sense of humor!*

February 26, 2006
Girl breaks up with boyfriend, he was too obsessive. Killjoy is mad that boyfriend treats her bad

February 30, 2006
Killjoy nearly kills boyfriend for what he has done to girl...fight starts but is quickly broken up

March 4, 2006
Girl's B-day! She has Killjoy's friend try (he's not that clever) to find out how killjoy feels about her because she's shy. Killjoy asks her out after much deliberation. Girl tells killjoy that he has made her B-day.

March 6-24, 2006
Girl treats Killjoy better than any girl ever has before. Makes killjoy home-fried chicken supper with mashed potatoes and tea (killjoy is overwhelmed). She calls killjoy "just wanting to talk to you" all the time. Killjoy finds he likes being bugged, even at work. Girl also tells killjoy "you are the best and sweetest boyfriend I have ever had". Killjoy is happy. Killjoy also gets attached to girl's 2 year old boy in this time (he's one cool kid!).

March 25, 2006
Girl tells Killjoy "You are so good to me, I think I'm falling for you!"

March 26, 2006
Killjoy calls girl, she says shes sick. Killjoy buys her a flower to brighten her day.

March 27-31, 2006
Talks with girl are few and far between, killjoy is worried for girls health.

April 1, 2006
Girl goes to concert in Roswell with killjoy and friends. Girl laughs and has fun with friends, totally and completely ignores killjoy. Killjoy is hurt, bad.

April 2-10, 2006
Girl absolutely refuses to talk to killjoy, says she hates him, but wont say why. Killjoy goes mad with confusion and grief.

April 11, 2006
Good female friend of killjoys goes to girl's house. Gets answers. Killjoy had been used from the beginning. Girl had planned it all out, she had known about killjoy before they had even met. Girl had even been cheating on killjoy. Killjoy is distraught.

Now you know how I've been doing people, just great. And by great I mean horrible. But, at least you know. I hope I'll blog again soon. Goodnight.